For years I thought the Germans were the enemy, then a chance comment by a friend of mine over a pint of Banks’s revealed that we’d been invaded by the French in 1066.

They are the real enemy and make no mistake.  Being no war-monger myself, I have decided to wage an act of revenge against those damn Frenchies by taking my electric ukulele to various towns of Normandy and playing patriotic songs loudly and in annoying fashion.  I may only be one man, but you know what it’s like to be one man standing alone and must feel empathy for my cause.

I hope that you will be able to support me on what I see as a twenty-first century crusade against the Gallic yolk under which we have been toiling for nigh on a thousand years.  It says on the website www.robertkilroysilk.com that you are “a God-like figure of a man”.  This is just the kind of man I feel could support me in my venture and it is reassuring to know that God is not the scruffy-dresser of the Old Testament, but a man in very smart suits and with a comforting Birmingham accent.

If we don’t do something, they’ll all be at it, so please do help.

PS      If you could see your way towards having some loose change to stick in the ukulele case to attract further punters it would be much appreciated.

I am writing to you because, having recently been in America, you understand how to deal with the intellectually under-endowed.  Besides, you are the only person I know to have named his party after an Aretha Franklin song - in fact, I wonder if Robert Kilroy Silk should have taken a leaf out of your book.  Veritas is a bit of a naff name, especially when you think he could have called his new one-man party “You make me feel like a natural woman”.

It has recently come to my attention that the French invaded us in 1066, using the pseudonym Norman, which just goes to show how important names are.  I'd never use the nom-d'invasion Norman as many Tories have had that name, including St John Stevas, Lamont and Tebbit.  I also heard that Baroness Thatcher's original middle name was Norman, until she changed it to Hilda by deed-poll, although you shouldn't believe everything you hear.

Now, don't you think these French johnnies should have shown us a bit more R-E-S-P-E-C-T?  Well, let me tell you they're going to find out what it means to me.  Over the past few months I have been teaching myself the ukulele and now can manage enough chords to play the entire oeuvre of Status Quo (three).

I intend taking my repertoire of chansons back to the French by playing throughout Normandy as an act of retribution.  After all, if we all went around invading foreign countries, where would we be, I ask you?

It would be good if you could throw your not inconsiderable weight behind this project.  I'm not expecting cash, even if you could spare a couple of the Telegraph's coppers.  But a few comforting words of support from a man who is unafraid to use the word “socialism”, even if ironically, would help me in this act of English liberation. 

I look forward to hearing form you and trust you don't fob the job off onto one of your minions (if you have any).

I know you’re not actually my MEP, but I’m looking for the voice of sanity in all this and have felt myself compelled to write to you as a member of UKIP, faute de mieux.

On discovering that the French invaded us in 1066, I was outraged.  How could they do this to us?  Isn’t it enough that we have to eat their runny cheese, listen to their appalling accordion music and subsidise their farmers for not growing food?

I plan to enact a gentleman’s revenge next summer by taking my ukulele to a variety of Norman street corners and singing loudly whilst accompanying myself playing some of the songs that made Britain great – We’re Going to Hang out the Washing on the Siegfried Line, When I’m Cleaning Windows, Chirpy-chirpy-cheep-cheep, Congratulations, etc.

At UKIP, you understand what it is to stick to your guns in the face of misunderstanding.  So I’d like to think that I would have UKIP’s support for this minor act of rebellion and hope that you might see your way to letting me know that I have your support on this mission impossible or impossible mission, as the French would have it.

I look forward to hearing from you and know that you can only send me words of support.

PS  If you do cough up a few sous to aid me in my mission, which seems the decent thing to do, I will, of course, try my best not to squander them on anything French.