Dear Mr. Blair,

 The Norman Conquest – The Ukulele Player’s Revenge

As a ukulele player, I was astounded to learn recently that we were invaded by the Normans in 1066.

I wish someone had told me earlier.  If I’d known the French had once invaded us, I certainly would never have bought a yellow Renault 4 in the early 1980s, especially as it was always being mistaken for the post van when, as our Gallic neighbours say, I was sur le continent.  I certainly wouldn’t buy their wine and, were it not for the fact they’ve stopped making fags, no Gauloise or Gitane would ever find itself wodged in a Jean-Gabinesque attitude between my lips.

As our leader, I am asking you for support for my venture next summer.  I intend to enact revenge on our Norman neighbours by playing my ukulele very loudly on street corners throughout the province, earning what used to be called sous, but are now called Euros.

It really isn’t the kind of thing a fat middle-aged man should be doing, but I don’t see what choice I have faced with my new-found knowledge.  So, if I could take with me just a few words of encouragement from your lips for this act of defiance in the face of a thousand-year-old foe, it would make me a very happy man.  Besides, I used to be one of Jack Cunningham’s constituents, so I reckon you owe me a favour.

If your message is rude, I would of course be subtle about who I got it from as I know that M. Chirac might get a bit hoity-toity about it.  Although to be honest, I don’t mix in his circle since attempting to prove to Edith Cresson that not all Englishmen bat left-handed in a doorway on the Faubourg St Honoré.

I look forward to receiving your words of encouragement and would be happy to have them in either French or English as I understand that you are bi-thingy.

Yours sincerely,

Nicholas Corder

PS  Please give my regards to Cherie, even if her name does sound a little bit French.