I understand that you produce a version of the Bayeux Tapestry.  I wonder if you might be interested in a follow-up idea.

I shall be touring Normandy next summer as part of a protest movement at their illegal invasion of Britain in 1066.  Their troops are still here now – one of them ticketed my car the other day and I’d only nipped into the chiropodist’s for ten minutes to have a verruca plaster renewed.

My adventures in Normandy, singing and playing the ukulele in the footsteps of William the Bastard (it helps to think of him by his original surname) might make a fascinating sequel to the original.  Now, I know there is a copy in Reading – let’s face it they need all the entertainment they can muster.  However, that has been bowdlerised and some of the naughtiest bits removed.

I suggest that the main panels carry the story of my tour of Normandy and that the edges contain references to my exciting life with my two young and flexible assistants Laetitia and Nigella, who are fine girls, both sound of wind and limb.

To give you a basic idea, I can, of course, send some sketches of ideas for the main panels and some polaroids for the decorative scenes.

I have to be in Farnborough to take my mother to the doorway of Boots the Chemist on the fifteenth of next month.  It is the anniversary of my conception and she likes to revisit the place it occurred every year.  Perhaps I could pop up to see you in the afternoon at around three o’clock to discuss my idea.  I know I’ll have my mother with me, but I will make sure she has had no more than one glass of sherry and then she is more likely to behave in a business-like manner.