I am soon undertaking a busking tour of Normandy as revenge for their invasion of Albion’s shores in 1066.

A tour such as this is not without its dangers and, with the recent disturbances in France, could be more perilous than ever.

I wonder if you think it would be an idea for me to carry with me some kind of protective weapon.  Should I pack a rod? (as they used to say in those old black-and-white movies).  If so, do you recommend a rifle, or would a pistol be more appropriate? 

My friend Jolliphant has suggested that you might know of a gunsmith who could build some kind of light, small-calibre weapon into the body of a banjo-ukulele.  You’d then simply flip the machine heads of the instrument to one side to reveal the muzzle and swivel the bridge in order to use it as a trigger.

Please rest assured that I have no intention of using such a weapon as a first point of call.  It would be for personal protection only and I can only envisage being forced into an act of homicide if I am set upon by Edith Piaf fans outraged at my reggae version of “La Vie en Rose”, for instance.

I look forward to your reply, although if you prefer to meet, I am in Farnborough on the 9^th of next month and could pop in to see you to discuss matters – would three o’clock be all right?