No doubt you are aware that we were invaded by the Normans in 1066 and since then have been vassals under their feudal system.

As a cider-maker, I’m sure that you are aware that they still represent a threat.  I have a small proposition to make to you.  I am soon undertaking a tour of Normandy, in which I shall be singing and playing my ukulele as a protest for a thousand years of serfdom.  Now, I could be in a position to help you vis à vis Norman Cider.

Now, I’m not going to suggest nobbling the cider or anything nasty like that, but perhaps if I were to mention it in a song, it might just do the trick.  In fact for the past three months I have been working on the chorus, which I print below.

Je suis en Normandie en balade

Le cidre Norman m’a rendu malade

J’ai vomi sur ma salade

Mercredi dernier

I won’t translate as it both insults your intelligence and, frankly, isn’t very nice.  My wife says, she’ll be glad when I get back to playing Paul McCartney’s the Frog Chorus, which she likes, but about which I feel rather ambivalent due to the invasion.

In return, perhaps the National Association of Cider-makers could make a small donation towards my well-being – say a crate of cider each Christmas and life membership?

I look forward to hearing what you think of my idea.  Alternatively, I could come to your offices on the fourteenth of next month as I have to visit nearby Bath in order to have my chair repaired.  Would three o’clock in the afternoon be all right?  We could even open a bottle or two and if we got on well, then maybe it could turn into a bit of a session?