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As part of my campaign to create support for my foray onto French soil to regain the Bayeux Tapestry, I wrote to several MEPs, or heavy sleepers as they're called in everyday life.  After all, we pay them each £2.9 billion pounds per annum and they get the best seats on the Brussels Express.

So, I wrote to that fine ex-actor Michael Cashman ...

As all the other MEPs in my area belong to lunatic fringe parties like the Conservatives, Liberal Democrats and UKIP, I thought I would take the liberty of writing to you for support.

I was very upset when I recently discovered that we had been invaded by the French in 1066.  Why did nobody tell me this when I was at school?  If they had, I’m sure a date like that would be etched on my mind.

I plan to take revenge on our cross-channel invaders by taking my ukulele there and playing and singing loudly on street corners next summer.  After all, they get so much subsidy out of the Common Market, it seems a pretty nifty way to get some back.  I will feel as though I have done something towards our balance-of-trade deficit with every Euro they chuck in my titfer.

Now, as well as being from a decent party, I thought that this trip might ring bells with you as you used to be in Emmerdale AND your leader Tony Blair is a bit of a whiz on the little instrument himself, apparently playing it as often as five times a night, so I thought you might see some sort of connection.  It's that showbiz, razzmatazz thing, except with a ukulele.

I hope I can count on your support and look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Nicholas Corder

PS  I used to be a member of the Labour Party and can spell words like “Trotskyite” and “public ownership”.  I even know the first two verses of “The Red Flag”, if this helps you at all. 

 

The Regional Assistant to Michael Cashman MEP, a Mr. Dan Watson then wrote me this nice reply.....

Dear Mr Corder

Thank you for your letter dated 21st October, concerning your intention to visit France next year.

Michael has asked me to extend his best wishes not only to yourself (sic) but also to your family, neighbours and any friends that you may have.

 

"Any friends that you may have".  Of course, Dan, I'm too much of a sad bastard to have friends, so rub it in, why don't you.  Mind you, if I was on a EuroMP's wage, I could afford all the friends I wanted.

But not all EuroMPs are the same.  Philip Bradbourn had the decency to get into the swing of things.  I wrote to him as follows ...

Can you believe it?  The French only went and invaded us back in 1066.  Apparently, they waited until we were fighting up in Yorkshire, then nipped in via Sussex.  I wish someone had let me know sooner as over the years I’ve bought several French items, including their letters.

I plan to enact a one-man revenge for this invasion and was hoping that you, as an avuncular figure in the party with the most sensible stance on Europe and indeed as my MEP, might be able to lend your support.

My plan is to devote a portion of time next summer to annoying the denizens of Normandy by playing my ukulele very loudly in a series of small towns throughout our erstwhile invaders’ territory.  I thought that a mixture of patriotic songs, such as “Hearts of Oak” and “Rule Britannia” might provide the right kind of approach.

I hope that you can send your way to sending me a message of support.  Frankly anything with your signature on would give me encouragement as it would add a level of Churchillian depth to my venture and, as I’m sure you are aware, he was a member of the Conservative Party on more than one occasion.

I look forward to hearing from you.

And bless his little Tory-boy blue socks, he got into the spirit of it and wrote....

Thank you for your letter regarding your proposed "crusade" to France next year.

One must also be aware that playing the ukulele too loud in a public place may render you in breach of the EU's Noise Directive ...

Wow, a EuroMP who does punctuation and spelling ... what more could you want.  Adverbs, maybe.

Oh, and money.